Nominations Pool

This page is for nomination suggestions. If there’s something you think should be nominated, please submit a suggestion at avclubawards@gmail.com. Please clearly label the category and the suggested nomination. This list will be updated as suggestions are sent.

Best New TV Show
The Americans

Best TV Character
Boyd Crowder

Best Actress in a TV Show
Keri Russel, The Americans

Best Actor in a TV ShowBryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Best Actress in a Film
Amy Adams, American Hustle

Best Actor in a Film
Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave

The A.A. Dowd C+ Film of the Year
Iron Man 3
Man of Steel

Only God Forgives
Spring Breakers
To the Wonder

Book of the Year
The Goldfinch, Donna Tartt

Album of the Year
Immunity, Jon Hopkins
Modern Vampires of the City, Vampire Weekend
Random Access Memory, Daft Punk
Settle,
Disclosure
Yeezus
, Kanye West

Episode of the Year
“To’hajiilee,” Breaking Bad

TV Show of the Year
Breaking Bad

Film of the Year
12 Years a Slave
All is Lost
Gravity
Her
Zero Dark Thirty

The SIIIIIIIIIIIMS! Award for Most Clueless Reviewer
Sonya Saraiya

Best TV Club Classic Reviews
Babylon 5
Deep Space Nine
Farscape
Freaks and Geeks

Wonderfalls

Best Newswire
“And now, a poem about James Franco’s poem about the Inauguration”
“Bradley Cooper fucking loves Paradise Lost, bro”
“Christ returns to NBC”
“Everything on the Internet is a lie: @Horse_ebooks was a “conceptual art” piece all along”
“Here is a list of scenarios involving Kanye West and whether it’s okay to talk within them”
How I Met Your Mother to do episode entirely in rhyme to waste more lyrically its fans’ precious time”
“Here’s a photo of Robert Downey Jr. making a child weep with the realization that Iron Man is just a lie”
“If Mark Wahlberg had been there he could have stopped The Lone Ranger
“If you want to hear about a Choose Your Own Adventure movie, keep reading”
“The Internet finally reaches its apex as man marrying My Little Pony character writes angry email to erotic pony artist”
“Irate Taylor Swift fans try taking down another clothing company they believe has insulted their queen’s purity”
“J.J. Abrams just wants to make Star Wars feel real, baby”
“Let’s all Photoshop the new Drake album cover”
“Let’s speculate about these new Downton Abbey photos and what they might have to do with giant, carnivorous worms”
“Miramax and the Weinsteins reunite to make sequels and TV spinoffs of just about everything they ever made together”
“New movie to bring story of Boston Marathon bombing to life, so that people of today can experience it”
“Newly leaked, alleged Kanye West rant reveals Kanye West’s logic behind interrupting Taylor Swift”
“Nikki Finke reports that the subject of Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom has died”
“One Direction fans bravely vanquish some old band called The Who”
“Scenes from the Entourage movie that is our life, now that the Entourage movie is happening”
“Sharknado”
“Sorry, you already missed your chance to buy Kanye West’s $120 plain white T-shirt”
“Whoopi Goldberg cast in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and it’s the weekend so whatever, bye”

Best Evidence for Todd VanderWerff’s Slipping Hold on Sanity
American Horror Story
– “Boy Parts”
Sonia Saraiya’s Hostages reviews

Best New Feature
Internet Film School

Most Social Writer
Les Chappell
Rowan Kaiser
Todd VanDerWerff
Alasdair Wilkins

Most Improved Writer
A.A. Dowd
Sonia Saraiya

Article of the Year
“If you want to hear about a Choose Your Own Adventure movie, keep reading”
“The Internet finally reaches its apex as man marrying My Little Pony character writes angry email to erotic pony artist”
“Read This: Breaking Bad helped Damon Lindelof let go of people who hated the Lost finale”
“Scenes from the Entourage movie that is our life, now that the Entourage movie is happening”

Most Missed Writer
Keith Phipps

AV Club Writer of the Year
Rowan Kaiser

Meme of the Year
Classic Poe

Best Username/Avatar:
Ayatollah Colm Meany
Battlecar Compactica

Favorite Gimmick/Character Account
Ben Wyatt Fanfiction
Chris Hardwick
Rappin’ Jake Sisko
Shia LeBeouf

Best Comment – Comedy/Musical
Adam Sandler – “Serious Adam Sandler is getting very serious indeed”

My dear friends from the A.V. Club…

Thank you for taking the time to acknowledge my new career path as Serious
Adam Sandler. And let me just say that I’ve been paying attention to your criticisms of my previous work. I’ve heard you loud and clear. And you know what? You guys are absolutely right!

The fact is, my career has been on autopilot for a good decade or so. My scripts have been lazy, formulaic… even downright puerile, in many cases. But today, I’m here to say…. NO MORE! [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

Battlecar Compatica – Carrie

“While Samantha was getting finger-banged in the back seat of Billy’s Camaro, Charlotte was at the soda fountain convincing Tommy to ask me to the prom. Meanwhile, Miranda was down at the hog farm draining pig’s blood into steel buckets. It made me wonder–what good is being able to move objects with your mind, if you can’t move another person with your heart?”

Battlecar Compatica  – “The Rains of Castamere”

Game of Thrones Season 3
29:  The Rains of Castamere
Jon Snow horses around with his new comrades.  Ser Jorah reluctantly joins a threesome with Daario Naharis and Grey Worm, to Dany’s delight. Arya and the Hound’s bickering makes them late for dinner.  Walder Frey’s pettiness has Robb seeing red at Edmure’s wedding.

BonerTime – “Christ returns to NBC”

Just to clarify, I do want to see dong.

brulio2415 – “A new docuseries watches how we die”

I have to imagine that flying snakes are like the astronauts among snakes, just another class of snakehood altogether. The ability to attack the faces of things instead of just the shins is probably a big status bump in snake society.

Imagine a snake in a necktie, hanging out in a cubicle. He looks out the window and sees a badass-looking snake slinging through the air like it’s nothing and land on a person’s head. The snake in the necktie just sighs, and dies a little on the inside.

Bubbles Wrap – “Syfy asks the Internet to pick the sequel title for Sharknado since it’s already been doing that”

“☆☆☆☆☆”

Rolling Stone Magazine

Captain Dada – “A&E remaking the French series The Returned for Americans who don’t speak no French”

Student 1: Hello.
Student 2: Hello. How are you?
Student 1: Very good. And you?
Student 2: So-so. And you?
Student 1: Very good.
Student 2: Okay. Do you know where the shoe store is?
Student 1: Yes. It is on the street where the discotheque is.
Student 2: Thank you. I like to dance.
Student 1: Do you know where I can buy some erasers?
Student 2: Sorry. All I have is this orange juice.
Student 1: Okay. Goodbye, friend.
Student 2: Goodbye.

Chartex – “Ben Affleck gets Matt Damon’s endorsement for the totally easy role of Batman”

I must not feah. Fear is the fuckin’ mind-killa, kid. Fear is the little fuckin’ death that totally fucks you up. Lookit, I will face my feah. I will be a good shit and permit it to pass over me and through me, but not in a queeah way. And when it has gone past I will take a look at all of feah’s shit layin’ all ova the fuckin flooah. Where the feah has gone there will be a big fat goose egg. What has two thumbs and will remain? This guy.

Cheese – Dog With A Blog—“Stan’s Old Owner”

The AV Club
Honestly, my biggest problem with Dog With a Blog is that the dog just doesn’t blog enough.

CommunistDotter – “Christ returns to NBC”

And now, the story of twelve disciples who lost their leader, and the one son of god who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s–Anno Domini.

Core Concept – “Neko Case releases snippet of a new song, ostensibly from a new record”

It’s what sits atop a housie to keep the rainie out.

Curmudgahideen – “Americans stop watching porn just long enough to celebrate Thanksgiving”

One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was carrying a white parasol. I only saw her for one second. She didn’t see me at all, but I’ll bet a month hasn’t gone by since that I haven’t jerked off to that girl.

Dr.Robuttnik – “Atlas Shrugged producers turn to Kickstarter for help warning others against moochers”

The way you said that reminded me of the time I was at my friend’s house for the first day of Summer Vacation in 7th grade.  We were getting ready to head out and her older brother comes out and is like “Where are you going?” and she answers “The pool.”
To which he replies, “The pool?  The pool’s for fools.” and then she goes, “God dammit, Kevin.  You said the same thing about school yesterday.”  I don’t know why I laughed so hard at that revelation, but I did.

Factfindingmission – “Over there: 30 foreign series that need immediate legal import to the U.S.”

 :( no, umlauts are not used in Danish, you racist.

Gary X – “JJ Abrams is Directing Star Wars after all”

“And what haunts me, is that in all the faces of all the Gungans that Lucas ever filmed, I discover no kinship, no understanding, no mercy. I see only the overwhelming indifference of nature. To me, there is no such thing as a secret world of the Gungans. And this blank stare speaks only of a half-bored interest in food. But for Anakan Skywalker, this Gungan was a friend, a savior. ” – quote from my recut the Star Wars prequels as Herzog documentary project

The Guilty Party – “Amos ’N’ Andy was the rare representation of black culture on 1950s TV—but at what cost?”

I am the very model of a modern av commenter
I’ve information tv, musical, and gameological
I know the Doctors Who, and I quote the Simpsons historical
From first to ninth, in order snpp-igorical

Hank Toms – “Artisanal porridge shop somehow exists in real life and not in Portlandia sketch”

My dad tried to do something similar when he got back from Vietnam. He started a necklace store also called, “All Ears”.

HipsterDBag – “Kurt Cobain’s family is selling his childhood home”

I’ve always wanted to go to some, like, craft show or something, where somebody’s got some “valuable” collection of things that they’ve spent their entire life cultivating, and they hate to part with it right now, but they really, really need the money to keep from getting evicted, and they just want to see the collection go to a new home where it will be just as loved and treasured as it is now, and then give them ten percent above the asking price, and then light the collection on fire right before their eyes, and watch the treasured sum total of their life’s work burn, and tell them “the money is meaningless to me, but the look of terror and fury in your eyes is worth twice the price,” and then laugh and laugh and laugh at their tears as they slowly fall to their knees in existential agony as they realize the scope of the waste that their life has become.

HipsterDBag – “MTV, in a moment of sobering self-awareness, orders show called Jerks With Cameras

all-time best incest joke ever: last fall, I was out with a bunch of friends at the bar, and my sister was there (kinda new experience, since she’s much younger than me, and just turned 21 relatively recently). I told the (true) story of how I had texted her the night before while I was in the middle of getting a blowjob to critique the girl’s technique, and everybody looked to her for confirmation. She nodded, and then said “but I don’t know why he bothered with texting; he could have just told me what to do differently.”

I have never seen a dozen people lose their shit en masse so instantaneously. My sister is fucking awesome.

Jimmy James – “Kendrick Lamar rapped about being better than a bunch of other rappers and it became a big rap to-do”

Trippin’ Egyptian, hieroglyphics are my hobby
Layin’ down the law like my name was Hamurabi
When I’m going old school, you know I mean Babylonian
Take you back to the day when we carve it stone again
Like God gave to Moses, ’cause my verses are biblical
Now Jobs’s got us back using tablets, ’cause everything’s cyclical.

LJo1 – “This week we’re barely putting up with 2 Guns

 My son, after my husband has told him not to use the word hate:  “I know hate is a strong word, dad, but I’m a strong guy and that’s how I do things.”

Pervy Orbit – “And now there’s a petition demanding that Tom Hiddleston get his own Loki movie”

He looks like if Matilda grew up to become Danny DeVito (which also happens to be the alternate ending of that movie)

Pervy Orbit – “Baby with misfortune to be born to Kanye West and Kim Kardashian also has hilarious name”

Kim probably wishes the baby’s name was “Shallo,” so she would no longer be the Shallo West-Kardashian.

Pinwiz – Sharknado

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there’s only love in the dark
Nothing I can do
A tornado filled up with sharks

not ted danson – “Game Of Thrones mega-fan looking for someone to conquer her, Robb Stark style, atop an Iron Throne”

It’s alright, this was posted on Craigslist (newbies).

Raymond Luxury-Yacht – “The “Blurred Lines” guys are suing Marvin Gaye’s family for saying they copied “Got To Give It Up””

Q:  Where did the bad man touch you?
A:  Here, my dear.
Q:  What did you do?
A:  I asked him what’s going on.  He just whispered in my ear “Let’s get it on.”
Q:  And then?
A:  He said he was in a soulful mood, and this was just the way love was.
Q:  And how has this incident affected you?
A:  When I’m alone, I cry.

Reason – “CBS imagines a world in which a woman can be Secretary of State”

 HOLD THE FUCK UP YOU CAN REVIEW POLITICIANS ON YELP?

Robo Redneck – “China demands that the blood in Django Unchained be less bloody”

Come on, we’re just Yangtze your chain.

Roger’s Aching Ticker – Sandra Bullock and George Clooney may reteam for Our Bran is Crisis

I was genuinely disappointed when they didn’t cast Carville as the Witch-King of Angmar in the Lord of the Rings films.
He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, for sure.But what if someone’s a hammer?  Why would you want a sharp hammer?  That’s just a hatchet, really.
shambolic – “Tom Hardy forced to eat puppies to maintain physique”

GIRLS (chorus)
I like to be in the A.V. Club.
Okay by me in the A.V. Club.
Everything free in the A.V. Club.

BERNARDO
Ads are creepy in the A.V. Club.

ANITA
Sometimes I feel like I know Todd.

BERNARDO
O’Neal’s my fave; he’s the snark god. [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

Sheltie – Smurfs 2

tl;ds

SisterMaryFrancis – “Bradley Cooper fucking loves Paradise Lost, bro”

Oh man, so these kids? They’re bored as fuck, dude. They’re like, “Shit what’re we gonna do?” So the door rings, and -I shit you not dude- there’s a fucking CAT there. Wearing this big fucking hat. And bro. BRO. Shit just GOES. OFF.

varmints if you will – “Weekend Box Office: Moviegoers so starved for drama they pay for a Lee Daniels movie”

Oooooh, look at me, I’m certain about the underlying reality of my subjective experience!

Violet Crumbles – “Will Forte on “internal brain warfare” and the path to Nebraska

I’m not paying attention to the Oscars race this year, but I will say that if I am given the opportunity to jerk off to the phrase “Academy Award Nominee Will Forte” I’m fully prepared to harness the power of pure superfocused sticktuitiveness to grow a veiny 9-inch penis with a vague fluorescent pink glow about it and do it. I’m a 28-year-old powerlifter.

Best Comment – Drama
Bridgette Bombay – “This week we’re barely putting up with 2 Guns

When a friend of mine picked up her 3-year-old daughter at preschool recently and asked about her day, the 3-year-old replied that it had been a good one for the following reasons:

1. I didn’t cry
2. I didn’t bleed
3. I didn’t shove anyone
4. I didn’t sit in the Sassy Seat

I now evaluate the success of my own workday by using this criteria.

Buck the Fuck-Up – “Louis CK apparently gets gruff voicemail messages from Andrew Dice Clay”

It’s funny, ’cause my 4-year-old regularly leaves me messages calling me an “asshole”, and Andrew “Dice” Clay is always calling to let me know that he loves me and misses me.

In all seriousness, though, my son can be pretty insulting.  A while back he called me a “fucking hell” in front of my wife, who was so pissed off ’cause he’d heard it from me the day before. (In my defense, he had just hit me square in the balls with a toy truck, and I involuntarily blurt-groaned it out.)  So we explained to him how he shouldn’t say words like that and how it’s “more fun to make up your own insults”.  So the other day, he walks into the room, points his finger right at me and says, “You snotty pig house!”  Then he just turns around and walks away.

CineCraft – “The Bridge: Maria of the Desert”

I have now seen this episode, and read Molly’s thoughts, as well as some of the comments below.  I wish there was more I could contribute on this one, but clearly this episode was more about moving the plot forward, as opposed to more character driven drama and details of the previous three episodes.

But there was one scene, and oh what a scene.  I understand where others, including Molly are coming from, about their hesitancy toward Kruger’s performance as Sonya, toward the depiction of high functioning autism, and of the scene in which we learn more about Sonya’s trouble past.

But may I make a case for this being the best acting she’s done yet in this series, as well as I think one of the most powerful depictions of autism I’ve seen captured on the screen?  It was beautiful, conveying so much.  I felt like I was seeing autism shown with greater truth than I have yet seen. [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

Cookie Monster – “Aziz Ansari gets candid about love: “elusive and sadly ephemeral””

Me just going to pile on by saying men like when women take initiative. If woman come up to me with plate of cookies, me mentally start planning wedding.

There good reason for this, besides just that me love cookies. As woman, me assume you get lot of attention from men, some wanted, some unwanted. Men check you out, flirt with you, you get hit on – that kind of thing.

Now imagine that never happen. Imagine no one ever check you out, no one ever hit on you, no one ever view you as attractive. Congratulations, you now every man in world except Ryan Gosling and guy from Old Spice commercials from few years back. [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

Dunnstock – “This week we’re barely putting up with Jenny McCarthy”

That’s awesome that you wrote back like that!  I’ve met a lot of girls via OkCupid (including the one who may be the love of my life, shockingly) and have heard a lot of stories about the weird, creepy, and downright terrible messages they’ve gotten and profiles they’ve seen.  One girl said that the very first message she ever got was from a guy about 30 years older than her and all it said was, “You look soft. Wolf eyes.”  It works out well for me because I always got complimented simply for writing in complete sentences and not saying anything sexual.  It seems like it’s much harder for women on that site than for men, best of luck!

HipsterDBag – “Lauryn Hill sentenced to three months in prison for tax evasion.”

@SteveMcRib  – perhaps not, but “having to pay taxes for things that are of no personal benefit to themselves” is such a blatantly misguided argument that it’s wearying to have to actually respond to it. But, alas —

Firstly, the vast majority of things that are paid for through tax dollars are of benefit to the putatively libertarian taxpayer (let’s call him, just pulling names out of thin air here, Mr. Jones). The money that goes in to public education helps to ensure that a sufficiently large enough proportion of the populace is provided with the basic skills they need to enter the workforce and participate as functional members of a global economy, rather than having no marketable job skills and thus being reduced to robbing Mr. Jones’ house to feed themselves… [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

HipsterDBag – Savage Love:  November 13, 2013

Assume a population of 200: 100 straight males, 100 straight females. Assume that all of the straight males will have sex with any straight female the opportunity arises with; assume that 95 of the straight females will not have sex with any straight male the opportunity arises with, and 5 of the females will have sex with any straight male the opportunity arises with… [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

K. Thrace – “This week we’re barely putting up with The Spectacular Now

My story is not nearly so good, but I did have a weird moment at the grocery store yesterday.  I walked in, grabbed one of the small baskets that you carry around with you, and started walking to the produce aisle.  A man walked up to me and said, “I want that basket.”  I said, “Ummm, like is it yours?  I got it from the normal place and there is nothing in it.”  He replied, “No, I just want that one.  I think it has a good aura.”

I refused to give it to him, which confused him so badly that he walked out of the store.

kate monday – Freaks And Geeks: “Looks And Books”

Something I learned when my husband and I were dating: A really good way to figure out someone’s age in person is to go to a Chinese restaurant where they have those placemats with the zodiac on them.  You can compare what animals you are, and that implicitly tells you ages (assuming you can guess within 12 years).

Liz n Dik – “This week we’re barely putting up with The Snacking Dead

My family lived briefly in a rental house when I was really little, and my mom swears it was haunted.  She’s the most pragmatic person I know, but says the house was just really creepy.  Apparently my older sister, who was 6 at the time, would refuse to go into some of the rooms, and once my mother was jolted awake in the middle of the night and swore she saw a knife hovering in the air.  I asked her, “What did you do???” figuring I’d probably just drop dead from freaking out, and she, being the most pragmatic person I know, said she just huffed, “For goodness sake,” and went back to sleep.  Take that, creepy ghosts!

LurkyMcLurkerson – “Tell us about your pop-culture weekend: December 27 – December 29”

There were points when I quite enjoyed the movie I was watching. Since Tauriel isn’t from the book, I had no quibble with her characterization (well, maybe a little bit that they made up this whole female character, presumably to de-bro the movie a bit, and then promptly gave her a romance plot, but whatevs, I rolled with it); I always enjoy Legolas’s primary function in the world of LOTR as a merciless killing machine, that’s fun. I thought that initial fight with the barrel ride was very effectively staged (fantastic use of space, visually coherent and comprehensible). But even stuff like that, that I enjoyed, suffered when I had a chance to think about it. That barrel ride fight is well-staged, but it also undermines the story, just like the Smaug fight does. [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

nikleary23 – Freaks And Geeks: “The Garage Door”

Okay, so here goes my first Embarrassing Story Corner, WARNING: It’s REALLY long and kind of extremely difficult to believe.

This is another of the “and I realized my parents were actual people with their own lives (strange ones at that)” also an entry into “my Dad is slightly wrong in the head” if that’s another category.

The Time I Found Out How My Parents Got Married

[ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

Ron Howard Voice – “R.I.P. Roger Ebert”

In all sincerity, gimmick account aside, this man has been one of my heroes and role models my entire career as a writer. The words I string together in real life, for my two jobs and writing purely for pleasure, reflect a lot of Ebert’s philosophy of style:

1. say what you think and feel
2. say it clearly
3. don’t pass yourself off as an all-knowing arbiter of truth; let the reader decide how they feel

Ebert’s technique of reviewing movies based on whether they succeed in their goals, rather than whether they succeed in his eyes, might have resulted in “grade inflation,” but it also resulted in far greater wisdom, helpfulness, and clarity. [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

scrappybilly – Freaks And Geeks: “Discos And Dragons”

I guess I’ll share my most embarrassing story.

I was in the 7th grade in art class and I farted. My stomach hurt and I farted and my stomach immediately felt better. All of the pain just flowed out of my asshole and it was warm. Almost right away, it stunk. It smelled BAD. It smelled like the worst hangover shit you’ve ever taken, and I was only 12 so I have no idea what I ate or what I did to myself to make my fart smell like an alcohol-induced dump.

After the fart began to stink, I felt my face turn red. I scanned the room, from right to left, and people were reacting to it already. I could feel this heat emanating from my face and my eyes started to itch. It was just a matter of time before I was caught and I just knew how it was all going to go down and it was going to be awful. [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

Simon Wilder – “Warner Bros. accused of planting obvious marketing posts for the hot new movie Getaway, in theaters tomorrow”

This is similar to what I used to do in the mid 90’s as well except I was never paid directly by the studio and I never came close to earning $20/hour that’s amazing. Studio’s used to be really into the idea of ‘street teams’ which would pay me usually $200 for every 50 comments I generated on what was back then the popular film site of its time, ‘Mr. Showbiz’ (although after it was eventually consumed by AICN we were directed to move onto that site). The interesting point is that these marketers openly encouraged deception about the film’s content. My original statement that the Getaway film has a ‘twist’ ending was an idea beaten into us again and again, that even if the movie looks stale or uncool if people catch wind there is some surprise or secret about it they will inevitably be interested. Stating vaguely that ‘a friend’ had seen the picture was also recommended as a means of defending oneself against accusations of being a ‘plant.’ [ED NOTE: see link for full comment]

Commenter of the Year
Craig J. Clark/Hooded Justice
E Buzz Miller
El Dan
Gary X
Grr. Argh.
The Narrator Returns
Nathan’s Evil Twin
Scrawler
washington
Wallflower
Yee Yee